By: Wyatt Welch
“Don’t talk to strangers!” It’s a sentence that we’ve all heard and likely have been taught since childhood. “Don’t take candy from the man in the white van.” This narrative is forever ingrained in us, and we continue to pass it on to our children. Why? Because it is easier for us to believe that threats to our children come from outside the safety of our home or the circle of trusted family and friends. However, here is the hard truth: 91% of the time, children are abused by someone they know. It’s not strangers who are most often causing harm; it’s someone within the child’s circle of trust, which means it’s likely that it is also someone we know and trust. While teaching “stranger danger” still remains important, we need to shed light on the real risks that our children face & learn how to protect them from all dangers, not just those driving “white vans.”
Where Did “Stranger Danger” Come From?
The term “stranger danger” first appeared in 1966 in an article from the Washington Post but gained attention in the 1980s due to growing concerns over a seeming increase in missing children. While strangers can, and do, cause harm focusing only on the unfamiliar threats and dangers gives kids and ourselves a false sense of security. If we only teach children to protect themselves against strangers, we may leave them unprepared for their more common reality: what happens when the person making them uncomfortable or unsafe is someone that they know and trust?
Rethinking Boundaries: Empowering Kids to Protect Themselves
The most important lesson that we can teach our kids is that they are the owners of their bodies. Parents and teachers have rules for them to follow to help keep them safe, but no one, not even family, owns their body. If their body feels unsafe or uncomfortable, they have the right to say “no,” even to a hug or other seemingly harmless gesture. We as adults must respect their boundaries. Forcing a child to go & hug Grandma “so she won’t feel sad” sends the wrong message. If they can’t say no to a hug, how can they later say no to another adult when the touching becomes inappropriate?
As adults, we have a responsibility to model and enforce these boundaries. When someone says, “I’ll give you a treat if you give me a hug,” or “Don’t be rude! Come give me a kiss goodbye,” step in. “We just give hugs when we feel like it, not for treats!” or “We don’t think it’s rude to not give a kiss goodbye, they can say goodbye in a way that feels safe for them.” Using their words in a response can help. Correct the behavior, even if it feels awkward or uncomfortable. That’s a small price to pay to lay the groundwork for a child’s empowerment.
Open Communication: The Key to Prevention
When kids feel safe talking to you, even about small discomforts, you’re building a line of defense against abuse. Listen for statements like:
• “I don’t feel safe around this person.”
• “They talk about things I don’t like.”
• “I don’t like them.”
Or behaviors like:
• *Fear or refusal to be around another person*
• *Shutting down around another individual*
• *Hiding behind or clinging to you*
These aren’t just complaints — they are bids for attention and safety. Validating these feelings and taking them seriously can prevent bigger issues down the road. Set clear expectations with other adults in your child’s life. A simple rule like “We don’t keep secrets” fosters transparency and open communication. Even innocent secrets, like sneaking ice cream for dinner, can create a foundation for grooming behaviors, which often start small and escalate over time. Letting the adults in your child’s life know this rule, lays a great foundation for body safety.
A Simple Change for Greater Safety
Realizing that danger doesn’t just come from strangers can feel overwhelming. But this isn’t about creating fear for the child or the parent. It’s about empowerment. You don’t need to reinvent the wheel or throw out the rulebook; just extend them.
• “A stranger should not touch you where a swimsuit covers.”
• “No one should touch you where a swimsuit covers.”
• “If a stranger makes you feel unsafe, tell me.”
• “If anyone makes you feel unsafe, tell me.”
• “You can say no to hugs from strangers.”
• “You can say no to hugs.”
By making these small but impactful changes, we can empower children to protect themselves and reinforce that they are the ultimate owners of their bodies. Again, yes, “Stranger Danger,” is very important. However, with these tools and conversations, we can move beyond the myth of stranger danger and work toward a safer, healthier environment for every child. Empower kids to protect themselves not just from strangers, but from everyone.