By: Emily Sparks
As adults, one of the most difficult and important responsibilities we can have is responding appropriately when a child discloses abuse. Whether they’ve been hurt physically, emotionally, sexually, or by neglect, their ability to confide in us is an immense act of trust. How we handle these disclosures can profoundly affect a child’s sense of safety and their willingness to speak out again in the future. This is why it’s crucial to follow a set of steps to ensure we respond in the most supportive, effective way possible.
The ABCD’s of disclosures—Assure, Believe & Be Calm, Child Talks, and Determine Needs—provide a simple but powerful framework for managing these sensitive situations. Let’s break down these steps and understand how we can best support a child when they choose to share such an incredibly difficult experience.
A: Assure
The first thing you must do when a child discloses abuse is to assure them they are safe. Let them know that they’ve done the right thing by telling you, and that they are not in trouble. Be calm, non-judgmental, and empathetic in your response. Children may fear that they will be blamed, or that they’ll get the person who abused them into trouble. Offer reassurance that they are not at fault, and that you will take care of them.
For example, you might say, “I’m really glad you told me. You’re safe now, and I’m going to help make sure you get the support you need.”
B: Believe and Be Calm
Believe the child immediately. This may seem like a given, but too often children’s disclosures of abuse are minimized or dismissed. Children rarely lie about such serious matters, so it’s important to take their words seriously. A calm and supportive demeanor will also help put the child at ease. Reacting with shock, anger, or disbelief can make them feel guilty or ashamed, which could lead them to withdraw. Try to keep a neutral but assuring tone and demeanor.
Show empathy and provide affirmation like, “I believe you, and I’m here to help.”
C: Child Talks (Let Them Do the Talking)
Now that the child knows they’re safe and that you believe them, it’s time to let them talk. Children often struggle with the words to describe their experiences, and they may feel embarrassed or scared, or not really know how to describe what they have experienced or what they are feeling. It’s essential to allow them to speak at their own pace and in their own words. Don’t pressure them to share more than they’re ready to, and avoid asking leading questions. Instead, simply encourage them by saying things like, “Can you tell me more about what happened?” or “I’m listening if you want to say anything else.”
Avoid interrupting or jumping to conclusions. Let the child control the pace of the conversation, and trust that they will share as much as they feel comfortable with. Focus on asking open ended questions. Avoid suggestions that would put words into the child’s mouth that they normally would not have said, this may cause problems if a case is taken to court and the child then sounds coached. There is no need to try and investigate ourselves, luckily, we can keep that to the professionals.
D: Determine Needs
After the child has shared their experience, the next step is to determine their immediate needs. Are they in immediate danger? Do they need medical attention? If it seems like the child is in immediate physical or psychological danger, reach out to emergency authorities. Otherwise, make the report after the child leaves the vicinity to DCFS.
How Children Communicate Abuse
Understanding how children communicate abuse is key to recognizing when a child might be disclosing abuse. Not all children will give a direct account of what has happened to them. Depending on their age, developmental level, and the nature of the abuse, they might communicate indirectly or in ways that are harder to recognize. Here are some common ways children might try to disclose abuse:
- Indirect Hints: Children might drop small hints or talk about events that don’t seem to make sense. They may say things like, “I don’t like going to Aunt Susan’s house anymore” without explaining why. It’s important to be alert to any sudden changes in behavior or feelings toward certain people or places.
If the child is young, they might even say something like, “Our babysitter has funny underwear”. It is important to listen to these indirect hints that may lead to a disclosure from a child.
- Disguised Disclosures: Sometimes children talk about what happened but disguise it within stories or jokes. They may speak in vague or non-specific terms, such as “One time someone did something bad to me.” These types of comments should not be ignored. They may also disguise the disclosure as happening to a friend, or something they read in a book or saw on TV.
- Strings Attached: Some children may only disclose if they think they won’t be believed or if they can control the situation somehow. For example, they might say, “I’ll tell you if you promise not to tell anyone”. This often means the child is testing your response or is afraid of the consequences. Avoid making promises that you cannot keep. If you promise not to tell, and then you need to report, this could hinder the child opening up further or in the future. Simply focus on Assuring them that they will not be in trouble and that it is okay for them to talk about it.
- Refusal to Go Places: A sudden aversion to a place, person, or activity can signal abuse. If a child refuses to go to school, visit a relative, or engage in certain activities, it’s important to explore why without pushing them to explain.
- Partial Stories: Children may give fragmented pieces of their experience. They might say something like, “I don’t like when my stepdad comes in my room at night”. While they may not tell you everything at once, these partial disclosures can provide critical information.
As adults, it’s important to recognize that children’s communication about abuse can look different depending on the child’s developmental level and experiences. Even subtle changes in behavior, emotions, or routine can be signs that a child needs help.
If a child discloses abuse, it is crucial to take immediate, thoughtful action using the ABCD’s of Disclosures approach. Assure the child of their safety, believe them without hesitation while remaining calm, let them talk at their own pace, and determine what support they need. Responding appropriately to a child’s disclosure can make a huge difference in their ability to heal and move forward.
Remember: children are incredibly brave when they decide to share their story. It’s up to us, as adults, to support them with compassion, integrity, and action. Together, we can protect Utah’s children.
To report child abuse, call the Division of Child and Family Services (DCFS) at 1-855-323-DCFS(3237).