By: Emily Sparks
As a parent, one of the most important tasks you face is protecting your children from harm. One of the most necessary conversations to have with your kids is about body safety, especially in terms of recognizing unsafe people and understanding the grooming cycle. While this topic can feel overwhelming or even uncomfortable, it’s vital for your child’s emotional and physical well-being. By teaching them the signs of grooming, how to recognize unsafe people, and how to listen to their gut or the “Uh-Oh Feeling”, you are teaching them how and when to get help when they need it.
What is the Grooming Cycle?
The grooming cycle is a method used by predators to gain a child’s trust and manipulate them into unsafe situations. It doesn’t always happen overnight and often spans over weeks, months, or even years. It also isn’t always a stranger who abuses children. Nine times out of ten, a child will be abused by someone in their circle of trust. This also usually means this person is in the circle of trust of the parents as well. This is why it is important to understand that sexual abuse can happen from anyone. Predators will then use the Grooming Cycle to gain access to a child by gaining the trust of the child and the adults who take care of them. This usually happens through the 6 steps of the Grooming Cycle:
- Targeting the Victim: The predator will target a victim. Who they choose depends on how easy they believe they will have access to the child, if the child will keep the abuse a secret, or if the child is naturally curious or uneducated about sex or boundaries.
- Gaining Trust: The predator creates a relationship with the child and their family, often appearing kind and trustworthy. They will not only gain the trust of the child, but they will be sure to gain the trust of the adult.
- Filling a Need: They may offer attention, gifts, or affection by creating a bond with the child and their family. This stage can make it harder for the child or family to see the danger. Especially if the predator is in their close circles.
- Isolating the Child: The predator will try to get the child alone, either physically or emotionally. This can happen online, at their home, or even in the home of the child, even if others may be present.
- Sexualizing the Relationship: This is where inappropriate behaviors begin, such as touching, making sexual comments, or other inappropriate videos or photos. The predator often uses the trust they’ve built up to make the child feel confused or guilty about the situation.
- Maintaining Control: The predator may use manipulation, threats, or shame to maintain the child’s silence or continued compliance. They will make them believe that it is their fault or that they will get in trouble if they tell someone.
How to Talk to Your Kids About the Grooming Cycle
The goal isn’t to scare your child, but to empower them with knowledge and tools they can use to stay safe. Here are some strategies for teaching them about grooming and personal boundaries in your family:
- Use Age-Appropriate Language
For younger children, simply focusing on the idea that no one should touch their private parts (the parts covered by a swimsuit) is a good starting point. Focus on teaching them that no one should be telling them to keep a secret, and if they are, your child needs to tell you. Older children can begin to understand more complex concepts, such as recognizing when someone’s behavior is manipulative or unsafe. - Discuss Boundaries
Teach your child about the importance of boundaries. Help them understand that they have the right to say “no” to any touch, words, or actions that make them feel uncomfortable. Explain that no one, no matter who they are (family, friend, coach, etc.), has the right to cross their boundaries. Practice role-playing different scenarios with them so they feel confident in saying “no” or asking for help when they feel uncomfortable. The more comfortable you are with this language, the more comfortable your child will be talking with you about it. - Teach Red Flags
Help your child recognize grooming behaviors by teaching them some red flags. These might include:
- Someone trying to buy their affection with gifts or special treatment
- A person who gives them excessive compliments or makes them feel overly special
- An adult who wants to spend alone time with them and no one else, or tries to isolate them from their family
- Someone who tells them to keep secrets or tells them that no one will believe them
Make sure they understand that if anyone behaves this way, it’s not okay or safe, even if they don’t immediately understand why. Encourage them to tell you if they feel uncomfortable or have an “Uh-Oh” Feeling around certain people. Let them know that they do not have to wait for something “bad” to happen to talk about it.
Listen to the “Uh-Oh Feeling”
The grooming cycle often begins with the predator choosing someone they perceive as vulnerable. Help your child identify unsafe people by teaching them to listen to their gut if they have a “weird” feeling about something. This feeling can be referred to as the “Uh-Oh” feeling. It lets them know that something is wrong, and that they may need to get help. It is okay for them to trust their body and instincts.
Empowering Your Child to Speak Up
One of the most effective ways to prevent abuse is by teaching your child to be open and confident in talking about their feelings. Here are some ways to create an open line of communication:
- Regular Check-ins
Make it a habit to check in with your child about their day, their friends, and how they feel about their relationships with others. The more comfortable they feel talking to you, the more likely they are to share something troubling if it arises. - Encourage Open Conversations About Body Safety
Regularly talk about body safety, and let your child know that they can talk to you about anything, no matter how embarrassing or uncomfortable it may seem. - Create a Safety Plan
Teach your child what to do if they ever feel unsafe. For example, you can have a code word that signals they are in trouble, or you can teach them to go to a trusted adult or call you if something feels wrong. Identify with them 5 trusted adults in their life. If they don’t see someone as a trusted adult, ask them why they feel that way.
Teaching your child about the grooming cycle, recognizing unsafe people, and listening to their “uh-oh” feeling are vital steps in helping them stay safe in a world that sometimes is unsafe and harmful. Children who feel comfortable talking about their feelings, recognizing their “uh-oh” feeling, and knowing how to stand up for themselves are more equipped to navigate the world safely. You are their first and best protector — and with these tools, your child will be able to stand up for themselves in the face of unsafe situations.
Remember, these conversations don’t have to happen all at once. Take your time, and be ready to revisit the topic often as your child grows and their understanding deepens. Every conversation you have, every time you reiterate these topics, is actively preventing child abuse in your home.